Roadway>> The X5m & The Road To Bonneville

There’s stupid, extremely stupid, ridiculously stupid, Dark Helmet approved, ludicrously stupid, and the BMW X5M. No amount of reason can quantify just how insane this car is. Imagine Buckingham Palace with two Saturn 5 rockets strapped on and then you can sort of wrap your head around what the X5M is all about –sort of. Or think of it as an intergalactic starship that can warp across the galaxy and evacuate the entire population of Alderaan before that old commander can say “you may fire when ready.”

It’s nuts.

What’s even more nuts is that BMW actually created it.

But let us be frank for a minute, the X5M is actually not a space fairing vessel that can transport the entire population of a planet, but rather, it’s the most uncool of uncool Terran based Earth vehicles, an SUV.

These are the vehicles that responsible for clogging up the major arteries of metropolitan cities with their gargantuan size and are also responsible for the drowning of many polar bears in the arctic circle with their unquenching thirst for dead dinosaurs in black liquid form.

But hey, if there are less polar bears, that means less baby seals are killed right? That’s a plus!

When The Rodfather and I started planning our second Bonneville speedhunting adventure, we discussed different modes of transportation on how we’d get to Salt. Rod took to the air but I decided that the best way to experience the salt was by hitting the road. My route would take me from Southern California then up north to the San Francisco Bay Area, where I had a chance to visit my family and also take a some time to shoot Henry Nguyen’s S12. After that brief stop, I headed eastward towards Utah, where some major speedhunting happened. After a four days at salt (which by the way, is not enough to take in all the sights and sounds of Speedweek), I then headed back towards the west just in time for Formula D Las Vegas!

By the power of the future that is Google Maps, I planned out my trip. Roughly 2000 miles lay ahead of me. And thanks to the kind folks at BMW North America, I was privileged a road trip machine that was more than just adequate.

Something even more important than the X5M’s massive size is it’s warp drive device that lurks deep inside the ship’s bowels. A 4.4 liter V8, with two massive snails attached, sits as close to the firewall as possible and produces an ice cap melting 555 horses and 500 foot pounds of torque. That’s zero to sixty in 4.5 seconds, or in simpler terms, that’s like traveling to the Alpha Centauri star system in the time it takes to finish spreading Nutella on your morning toast.

It’s that fast.

This is the button takes your space cruiser from warp speed to ludicrous speed.

But when you throw in the figure that this galaxy hopping version of Buckingham Palace weighs in at a whooping 5368 pounds, you realize just how impressive those performance figures are.

You would think a vehicle this size would cower at the thought of a corner, but you’d be wrong. This car is adorned head to toe with M badges for a reason, it is to remind the driver as often as possible that they really are driving a car that was tuned by those crazy M perfectionist nutters in Germany.

It does help that the front tires are a massive 275/40R20 and the rear tires are an even more astronomical 315/35R20! Grip? This car can give lectures about grip all year long.

The way this car corners (I mention car, not SUV, for that fact it moves about like a medium sized car) is mind boggling. You approach a turn thinking you better slow down so the monstrosity does not flip. But as you enter the turn, you feel the car holding surprisingly flat. You give it a bit more throttle… then a bit more, and more, and more. Until you look down at the speedometer and realize JUST HOW FAST YOU’RE CORNERING IN AN SUV.

Heads up displays have been in cars for a while now, but BMW offering was most impressive. Not only does show your current speed, but it also displays driving directions! With a little press of the little M button the steering wheel, the driving directions disappear and is replaced by a digital tachometer!

The future that is 2010 is a fantastic place to be.

I spent a week and a half with the car, drove it for a those 2000 and some-odd miles and never had a single back problem. The suspension is stiff, but its just comfortable enough that on the motorway, you don’t notice its relative stiffness. But on bumpy city streets or, in our case, uneven salt patterns, you’ll definitely know that you’re in a car that can perform.

And during my time on the road, I bore witness to the stunning beauty that was the American countryside.

Some breath taking vistas were taken in along the way.

This is the sort of car that helps melt the ice caps even more with every turn of the key. But that’s to be expected with a car that can propel oneself from zero to the speed of light in the blink of an eye. How does 11 miles per gallon sound in the city with 18 miles per gallon freeway?

Though, the spaceship wasn’t the only thing that needed to refueling. It’s captain and pilot, myself, needed to also. I don’t even know how many energy drink stops I had to do on my 14 hour journey from California to Utah. I sampled every sort of wake-me-up concoctions from Red Bull, to NOS, Monster and Rockstar.

By the end of the journey I became somewhat of an energy drink connoisseur. You’re probably wondering what my favorite of all those potions were? None. A 20 minute nap, on the side of the interstate 80, proved to be much more potent than any of those elixirs.

What’s a Speedhunting trip without a bit of cloudhunting?

The whole front end of the car, in the course of 14 hours on the road, became a bug cemetery.

What’s that vast white expanse in the background…? It’s none other than the Bonneville salt flats.

This is the access road leading to Bonneville. It’s a few miles of straight road that turns turns slightly. In those few miles, the landscape changes drastically from the desert…

… to the clean and sterile looking whiteness of the salt flats. The mountain backdrop just serves as the sweetest of visual cherries.

Houston, the Eagle has landed.

I think I can safely say that this will probably be the only X5M to ever touch the hallowed ground of Bonneville. What you’re looking at is roughly $100k of car which will now slow rot itself.

Obligitory shot of a random asian cowboy in the middle of nowhere America.

The spaceship proved its utilitarian worth, out on the Salt, as a production vehicle. Zipping to and from the start location to miles deep in the paddock was a walk in the park for the warp drive device.

The hardest part about traveling about the salt was the temptation of being out on the expanse with the feeling that your right foot is getting heavier and heavier. On a few instances, Judas gave into temptation and the result was oh-so sweet –even on the Salt.

The amount of salt that built up in the wheel wells was astounding. Those wheel wells was like Bugs Bunny and his forever deep pockets. Huge giant chunks of salt kept coming off of it and it never seemed to end.

During one of the many stops for gas on the six hour drive from Bonneville to Las Vegas, the car received many bewildering looks from the locals about the blue spaceship. One older gentlemen came up to me, with a completely lost expression on his face, asked me as I stepped out of the car, “Excuse me but… is… that… snow?!”

The same question came up multiple times during a the trip to Sin City. The local fuzz even pulled over to the opposite lane, asked me to roll down my window and proceeded to ask me the same question!

I’ve had the pleasure of driving two of BMW’s other (somewhat) current M offerings, the E93 M3 and the E60 M5. Both are, without a doubt, breathtaking pieces of engineering and perform on a level even the X5M can’t compete with. But out of the three M cars that I’ve driven, the X5M is, without a shadow of a doubt, my favorite modern day M car.

Why would I like the SUV M offering over the two much better performance contenders? I’ve already stated why earlier. This car is mad. Stark. Raving. Mad. It’s completely lost it. It’s flying off the handle bonkers. It’s absolutely ludicrous. Is it a vehicle to take the kids to and from school? Or is it a balls-off-the-wall performance rocketship? It does both extremely well but is has no idea what it actually is. And that polarizing fact gives the car character and personality which the other two, more serious, M cars lack.

At the end of the day, this car is an absolutely hoot to drive. Leave the M button on as you go about your errands and that mundane task will turn into the most entertaining thing you can do all day –if not all week. This is a car that’ll press YOUR buttons and make you smile, grin, have you howling with laughter and, while it’s doing all that, it’ll reach down into the darkest chasms of your trousers while fulfilling your deepest desires.

Who knew not knowing what you are can be such gosh darn fun? If the BMW X5M a preview on what it’s like to lose your marbles, then I’m ready to go all in.

-Linhbergh

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1

Awesome story, roadtrips are the best! Thanks for sharing... :)

2

Note to self....don't buy a blue BMW X5M from anywhere in western USA. Might be rusting in places you can't see?

3

I hope to god you take off ALL the plastic covers, bolts etc and hose it down, and do that over and over for a long time to get rid of that salt. :||



Thanks for an awesome roadtrip though! : D

4

Passionate article, and ludicrous car!

So... at the end you're saying the other M cars have less personality because they know their purpose? Speaking of duality, the M5 is very close to the X5M in that respect: is it a stately business commuter's business card, or is it a track-day monster?

5

@ Linhbergh:

I dont know. Sometimes I get a sense that you think it's cool and catching and maybe even "artsy" to write a story in a particular way, like you often do. You're really trying to impress the audience Linhbergh.

Bottom line is: you took a 2000 miles road-trip with a brand new X5M and had a good time.

6

The route looks like an invers of the Nodschleife ;-)

7

where do I sign up for the Linhbergh school of photo editing?

8

Did you tell BMW that you were going to the salt flats?

10

awesome read. need more roadtrip stories.

11

lol my brothers 1989 180sx had heads up display

12

awesome write and pictures as always Linh. keep it up!!

13

@ Linhbergh



"Shit! I hate it when I get my Schartz twisted."

14

"This car is adorned head to toe with M badges for a reason", that reason being a boardroom of wankers at BMW saw how many Cayenne Turbos Porsche sold the last few years, and said "we need to do the exact same thing". Lets take the most un-BMW vehicles we make, throw a giant engine in it, make it as un-utilitarian as possible, and then sell it to rich housewives in coastal affluent suburbs. Wah-bamm, instant sales. AMG obviously has no qualms with whoring out the AMG brand, why shouldn't BMW with M. I'm still waiting for Audi to pull the trigger and give us the Q7 RS, but then I think Audi has some logic and they would rather sell a bi-turbo V10 wagon than an SUV.

15

Dope Geo in photo #11.

16

great Blog.. the X5M is a fantastic drive! you a least have better roads (or Salt flats) to drive it on than we have in the UK.. hmmm Salt though?? i've taken note of the licence plate and will remember to give that one a wide berth!! LOL - thanks for the write up and pics - 10/10

17

M cars are proof that God wants people to be happy. The M3 is a dream to own and drive, basically a usable 911.

19

I think that you watched the same episode of Top Gear that I did... just the same, good job!

20

this frankly though impressive is a slap in the face to the hope of an x5 Lemons promised so long ago



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuRlxl6-uss

21

this frankly though impressive is a slap in the face to the hope of an x5 Lemons promised so long ago



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuRlxl6-uss

22

One of the greatest things, as a kid growing up, was the opportunity when I was let loose out into the

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